Things Jesus Would Never Say

1. Oops.
2. That never occurred to Me.
3. Do you know the way to San Jose?
4. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
5. If you have sinned only a little, cast the first stone.
6. Best two out of three?
7. Don’t stop to help, we’re late for church.
8. Well, I suppose it’d be OK. But just this once.
9. What’s the matter with you guys? Can’t you take a joke?
10. How long must I put up with you? (no, wait, He did say that).
11. You’re not the boss of me.
12. Do they want red or white wine?
13. Do you want fries with that broiled fish?
14. Maybe I should write this down.
15. I’m pretty good at division, but I’m great at multiplication.
16. Broadcast into all the world and make giving units.
17. How should I know why people fall in love?
18. Would you consider giving me half the kingdoms of the world if I fall down and worship you for, say, ten minutes?
19. Just between you and me, I walked because I don’t know how to swim.
20. Blessed are the … are the … um …
21. If anyone desires to come after Me, let him attend church, pass an offering plate and follow the pastor.
22. What in My name is going on in here?
23. Has anyone seen my keys to the kingdom?
24. The choir is so much better now that Tammy Faye is here.
25. I’m not riding into town on that donkey.
26. I have to buy a new suit for Easter.
27. How many more of these seals do I have to break?
28. Judas, am I not worth more than only 30 pieces of silver?
29. Do I look fat in this robe?
30. What Would I Do?
31. How many angels really can dance on the head of a pin?
32. Happy holidays.